Saturday, July 10, 2010

Lock up LiLo

We fail to understand why people like Lindsay Lohan are given third, fourth, and fifth chances in life. We lost all respect for this girl as an entertainer/artist the day she pretended to be some hipster-lesbian. Now's she's doing 90 days in jail for violating probation terms stemming from a 2007 DUI arrest. And she's doing it in style! America is a nation of doers and our social conventions allow for people to pick themselves up after taking a few on the chin. Two royal fuck-ups that come to mind are Robert Downey Jr and Eliot Spitzer. Robert Downey Jr. was a decent actor who did a ton a drugs in the 90s and spent many years in & out of rehab. He managed to clean his act up and has made a total comeback as a Hollywood stud. Tinseltown is lining up a whole franchise of blockbusters and betting the house on this guy. Hats off. Eliot Spitzer used to be the Governor of New York who liked shagging this hot Italian chick down in D.C. without protection, all the while he was cracking down on prostitution rings in New York. What a despicable hypocrite. God bless his wife for standing beside him during that humiliating press conference. The woman had three of his children! We'd have thrown a blowdryer in his bubble bath. These days Eliot is back on TV as a political analyst/consultant on CNN. Shame on CNN - we fail to understand how any adult can take this daddy's boy seriously. Nepotism goes a far way in business and politics… Back to LiLo. Here we have a girl who's been given every known privilege in the free world and she still continues to act like a brat. Ever hear of noblesse oblige? Of course not, she never even went to school. There are people who risk their lives to live in this country and enjoy the American standard of life (fuck yeah!). LiLo needs to learn that our laws apply to Hollywood celebrities as well. Lock her up for a year! At her age of 24 our mother had student loans, car payments, two kids and a first-home mortgage to deal with. God Bless you Mama! Now we hear LiLo is trying to secure a $1 million tell-all interview upon her release from jail. What the hell? That's beaucoup bucks. If the media machine wanted to do something good for a change, tell her to take a hike. Paying LiLo to fake a few tears and tell the world she's sorry is like feeding dollar bills to a homeless bumb. Bumbs drink themselves silly and wake up in their piss every morning. LiLo will snort that $1 million dollars away faster than you can say sayonara. We don't even think she's worth the fist-full of fifties she would make in Vegas as a coked-up stripper. LiLo has a nice set of Cs but some say she's Long Island Irish white-trash with no talent. Readers: we can't tell who is more pathetic; couch potatoes who wasted an hour of their life watching LeBron James' propaganda stunt this week, or the idiots who tune-in to TMZ and E! to pity LiLo's legal woes and dwindling career.


Recommendation: LiLo, were you playing the race/sex card in your choice of legal representation? Are those tears real? Shame on you. Find yourself a more skillful lawyer next time - O.J. got off the hook, and he murdered people! You've become a walking liability to Hollywood producers; if you can't rebound from this one you should kiss your acting career goodbye. If you manage to get WiFi in jail and want a little help, write us. Schadenfreude on our part makes for bad karma and we would be glad to assist. Have your lawyer or manager, even your alcoholic parents reach out. You were cute in 'Herbie: Fully Loaded' and we would actually like to see you survive and thrive into your late 20s. You need to pull a Paris Hilton. No, don't release a string of sextapes with your loser boyfriends. Pull a vanishing act and reinvent yourself. Maybe going to uni' in the UK might do you some good. The Brits are proper and could shape you up in no time. Take acting classes, learn some new accents and spend more time on the West End. Work out regularly and firm up the rig. Try to get a healthy tan. And if all else fails, well, find yourself a better looking girlfriend and revisit that sextape idea. We'd be happy to help with production!

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