Bottle Service Blows!

You know what really chaps our ass over here at Overrated!? Bottle service at night clubs and the people who drop thousands of dollars to brag about it. Ok, so maybe there was a time when spending 20 times retail for a bottle of Grey Goose was acceptable – back in 2006 when Wall Street seemed unstoppable – but those days are long over, and a little bit of restraint should be substituted for potato-infused profligacy. Don't people realize we're in the midst of The Great Recession?

It’s not just about the bottles; it’s about the nightclubs that perpetrate the whole concept. Clubs are made up of three kinds of people: promoters who are paid to bring in models and other kinds of hot girls. They make the club seem cooler than it really is. Second, random types who wait in line for hours with a glimmer of hope of gaining entry (yes, that group of half a dozen Indian guys who work at Morgan Stanley). These types rarely get in yet we've caught them posting things like "Tenjune rules, just saw Paris show her boob" on Facebook. And finally, rich losers who drop five to six figures on Cristal magnums (true story) with the hopes of scoring one of the bottle girls. We heard from a friend the other day that some moron dropped over $20 grand this summer on tips alone trying to get with one particular bottle girl at Marquee. What a fucking waste! Clubs love the third kind of person we speak of and wouldn’t be in business without them. We find that nightclubs in NYC are often a social scheme designed to suck the dollars out of these impressionable birdbrains. We fail to understand the appeal that nightclubs have with the Bridge & Tunnel crowd; it's not like the music or ambience at these clubs is all that great. Worst of all, most of these clubs are run by organized crime (Albanians, Russians etc). We choose to stay away.

Welcome Alternatives: People can spend their money however they want, but we’d like people to not look like assholes while doing it. Once you’ve blown through your cash at 1 Oak, none of the girls whose drinks you paid for are gonna hang out with you anyway (i.e. get yourself some real friends). And when it comes to those bottle girls you’re trying to impress, the truth is they couldn't be happier if you got hit by an 18-wheeler. For every 20 something with an AMEX Black Card and a house in the Hamptons, there’s some gazillionaire - that 'your girl' is banging - with a private jet and a 100-foot yacht to make your getup look like an erector set. Just as good parents tell their young kids “Don’t do drugs,” we advise you, “Don’t buy bottles.” Trust us on this one, there are cheaper and more fun ways to damage your brain cells.

Footnote: The halfway hooker (aka, bottle girl) is a relic of the past. That whole Tiger Woods – Rachel Uchitel saga isn't helping the cause. Unless you’re Tiger circa 2009, these girls don’t give a shit about you. Compared to Tiger, who most of the girls have already been with, you’re about as cool as a Kraft Single Slice. And in case you haven’t heard, the whole bottle-girl thing didn’t end up too sweet for Tiger. Unless you’ve won 30 Majors, are worth over a billion dollars, have an Escalade that can run over trees while withstanding the force of a Swedish-swung 3 iron, AND have an ironclad prenup, we suggest you don't even try.

Footnote 2: Curious about the photo above? This was taken at a club in London a few years back (when a Pound was worth two bucks). That's right big guy, you're looking at $50 grand worth of champagne and vodka right there. Try putting THAT on your Centurion next time.

(Thanks to SAA for his contributions on this post!)