Martin the GEICO Gecko

We're getting a little fed up and bored with GEICO lately. Not because they provide bad service or because they price gouge their policy holders. They only charged us $320 a year to insure our 2003 Land Rover with 108k miles. What a deal! Warren Buffet is a genius and we think GEICO is a very well run company. And our policy application only took 10 minutes to fill out online! What we can't stand, and what we feel has become overrated are the ads with that stupid little gecko (named Martin). Seriously, they're not funny anymore. We appreciate the pseudo pun: geico, gecko etc. But frankly we don't care whether this gecko is English, or Australian, or freakin' Bahamian or Bermudian. Since Martin is a day gecko, and given his English accent, our research indicates it's most plausible that he's either from Madagascar or Seychelles (former UK colonies with day geckos). Regardless, he's been on TV since the Screen Actor Guild strike in 1999 and we want him off the airwaves. Geckos, in captivity, are only supposed to live for seven to nine years! We feel Martin's time is overdue.

Welcome Alternative: We don't have anything against geckos. We used to live in Singapore and geckos actually come in handy because they eat mosquitos and hunt down flies around the house. They also have a cool Spiderman-like quality that enables them to scale up walls and windows with ease. But they're kinda stupid and hide between door hinges (ouch), make really disturbing chirping noises, and they're not stealth enough to escape cats. But at the end of the day Martin is just an animated computer graphic. We would implore IPG (ad agency that invented the gecko) to retire Martin and call up some new talent to the GEICO bench. Just a thought; if Derek Jeter can promote those retarded Ford cars, why couldn't LeBron James do car insurance? Remember the Chrysler LeBaron? Ah-ha... There's a marketable enough idea.

Rihanna is Creepy

Some call her Ri, many know her as RiRi, but to the rest of us she's the girl who did that 'Umbrella' song. We spotted RiRi at Tillman's in NYC a few years ago and thought she was kinda cute. Wikipedia lists the following as her occupations: 'singer, model, songwriter, executive producer, dancer, video director, philanthropist, cultural ambassador, and author.' Yeah, ok, whatever. Where to start with this one... We like your voice. You're fairly pretty. But your music videos are a headache to watch and your dancing is garbage. And that forehead is so large it probably deserves mention in the Guinness Book of World Records. We took time to watch videos of her concerts; pretty uninspiring. She never seems to give that 110% effort as an entertainer. What's up with her tagline 'Good Girl Gone Bad?' How original is that? Readers: want to see the worst dance sequence, ever? Here it is, fast forward to 1:40 min. Wait, go back to 1:19. Those are ballerina legs, not Rihanna legs! Seriously, who choreographed this shit? For a girl from the islands (Barbados) Rihanna lacks a lot of panache and soul. Look into her eyes next time you watch one of her videos: we're convinced she's the devil! Rihanna's Umbrella has to be THE worst music video ever made by a Grammy-winning artist. That's right, worse than ALL of Alanis Morissette's videos combined. No, we don't think that RiRi will be sticking around forever. This is one big paper chase to her, and she's far from an artist. That whole nonsense with Chris Brown was also a little disconcerting. Let's hope she's not another Whitney Houston in the making!

Welcome Alternatives: We like British pop and R&B singer Leona Lewis, a lot. We'll suck it up and admit this; Bleeding Love is a great tune. Leona is pretty cute and we dig her Brit accent. Another R&B artist we have a thing for these days is Ciara. Have you all seen the video to her song Ride? God bless America, and God bless this girl. Ciara should be giving RiRi dancing lessons 24/7. When it comes to female pop artists, we must say that GaGa takes the cake. While she's no Cindy Crawford and can't dance much better than Rihanna, GaGa is smart, quirky, has a great voice, and almost ALL of her songs are party starters. People joke that she has a penis, but there isn't a guy out there who wouldn't ditch their girlfriend to get with GaGa for a night. Bad Romance has 243 million hits on YouTube and her new hit, Alejandro, is pretty sweet. We think she's dethroned Madonna with this last song. Keep up the great work Stefani, not bad for an NYU girl!

Footnote: You have to see these Rihanna jokes, they're almost as good as Chuck Norris jokes.

Bachelorette parties, yawn...

Not that we have any business being at bachelorette parties, but don't girls have better ways to party like a rock star before walking down the aisle? From a guys' perspective, most bachelorette parties these days seem really boring. There has to be a better way to spend a weekend with a dozen of your best girlfriends. Here is a pictorial of how an average bachelorette evening flows; humor us and click on this link. Activities include: going to the spa, getting your makeup and nails done, playing board games, wearing cheap tiaras and pink boas, drinking Bellinis out of penis straws, going out to dinner (usually Italian), then bar-hopping from one lame place to the next... You get the idea. Some are bold enough to go to a Chippendale's or Thunder from Down Under show. Later on at the bars, girls huddle in a circle and shout a bunch of nonsense while the bride-to-be dances around with a rubber dildo strapped to her forehead. Brilliant. DJs at bars hate giving shout-outs to lame bachelorettes like this, unless they can get with one of the cute bridesmaids of course. For the fellas trying to get in the mix, cut to the chase and prey on the one having a hard time in her heels - there's always one in each group. You'll find her dragging her feet 10 yards behind the procession. Who came up with the disturbing idea of penis straws anyway? They should be SHOT.

Welcome Alternative: Here is the bottom line; most bachelorettes don't party hard enough. Don't you realize that your fiancée is out getting ass? We went to a bachelor party in Atlantic City last year that was beyond X-rated. In fact, the weekend left us shell-shocked and made us want to go to church for confession on Sunday (and we're atheists)! Incidentally, we've been asked to be Best Man in our friend's wedding next summer and thoroughly look forward to organizing some shenanigans ahead of the wedding. Bridezilla, beware! Just kidding... Seriously though, girls really need to step their game up a notch. We're not saying you have to come back with kidney failure - just party a little harder and get the poison out of your system before the big day. Take a trip over to Amsterdam (Dutch guys are tall), hit up Montreal (see this Girls' Getaway Package), or party it up in Jamaica at Hedonism. Do something really worth bragging about on Facebook! Don't you want to stash away some stories that will make your groom jealous and keep him guessing for months to come?

Footnote: Ever hear of Jack & Jill parties? Times are tough, but they should be outlawed. We'd rather watch white paint dry.

Footnote 2: If you're looking to organize a bachelorette dinner party in NYC, go to Tortilla Flats on West 12th & Washington! Our brother works there, guaranteed fun.

Bottle Service Blows!

You know what really chaps our ass over here at Overrated!? Bottle service at night clubs and the people who drop thousands of dollars to brag about it. Ok, so maybe there was a time when spending 20 times retail for a bottle of Grey Goose was acceptable – back in 2006 when Wall Street seemed unstoppable – but those days are long over, and a little bit of restraint should be substituted for potato-infused profligacy. Don't people realize we're in the midst of The Great Recession?

It’s not just about the bottles; it’s about the nightclubs that perpetrate the whole concept. Clubs are made up of three kinds of people: promoters who are paid to bring in models and other kinds of hot girls. They make the club seem cooler than it really is. Second, random types who wait in line for hours with a glimmer of hope of gaining entry (yes, that group of half a dozen Indian guys who work at Morgan Stanley). These types rarely get in yet we've caught them posting things like "Tenjune rules, just saw Paris show her boob" on Facebook. And finally, rich losers who drop five to six figures on Cristal magnums (true story) with the hopes of scoring one of the bottle girls. We heard from a friend the other day that some moron dropped over $20 grand this summer on tips alone trying to get with one particular bottle girl at Marquee. What a fucking waste! Clubs love the third kind of person we speak of and wouldn’t be in business without them. We find that nightclubs in NYC are often a social scheme designed to suck the dollars out of these impressionable birdbrains. We fail to understand the appeal that nightclubs have with the Bridge & Tunnel crowd; it's not like the music or ambience at these clubs is all that great. Worst of all, most of these clubs are run by organized crime (Albanians, Russians etc). We choose to stay away.

Welcome Alternatives: People can spend their money however they want, but we’d like people to not look like assholes while doing it. Once you’ve blown through your cash at 1 Oak, none of the girls whose drinks you paid for are gonna hang out with you anyway (i.e. get yourself some real friends). And when it comes to those bottle girls you’re trying to impress, the truth is they couldn't be happier if you got hit by an 18-wheeler. For every 20 something with an AMEX Black Card and a house in the Hamptons, there’s some gazillionaire - that 'your girl' is banging - with a private jet and a 100-foot yacht to make your getup look like an erector set. Just as good parents tell their young kids “Don’t do drugs,” we advise you, “Don’t buy bottles.” Trust us on this one, there are cheaper and more fun ways to damage your brain cells.

Footnote: The halfway hooker (aka, bottle girl) is a relic of the past. That whole Tiger Woods – Rachel Uchitel saga isn't helping the cause. Unless you’re Tiger circa 2009, these girls don’t give a shit about you. Compared to Tiger, who most of the girls have already been with, you’re about as cool as a Kraft Single Slice. And in case you haven’t heard, the whole bottle-girl thing didn’t end up too sweet for Tiger. Unless you’ve won 30 Majors, are worth over a billion dollars, have an Escalade that can run over trees while withstanding the force of a Swedish-swung 3 iron, AND have an ironclad prenup, we suggest you don't even try.

Footnote 2: Curious about the photo above? This was taken at a club in London a few years back (when a Pound was worth two bucks). That's right big guy, you're looking at $50 grand worth of champagne and vodka right there. Try putting THAT on your Centurion next time.

(Thanks to SAA for his contributions on this post!)

Abercrombie sucks

One brand that we can't quite figure out is Abercrombie & Fitch. To put it lightly, we're not fans. In fact, we can't think of a clothing company that has a more bizarre brand identity than Abercrombie. American teens love the brand. Walking around the mall with an A&F bag in your teens gives you more street credibility than a Hermès bag on Madison Avenue in your thirties. But A&F stops being cool once you're 23. Some advice to guys who just graduated from college: wearing an A&F shirt in the real world is as bad as having 'loser' tattooed to your forehead. For some strange reason European tourists can't get enough of Abercrombie. In NYC they stand lined up outside Abercrombie's 5th Avenue store all year round. Are A&F clothes that much better than what's at J-Crew, Aeropostale, or American Eagle? Of course not. We've even seen groups of European guys at pubs sporting their A&F shirts. Cut it out! Abercrombie is NOT cool, nor is it posh! In fact the brand is homoerotic and totally overrated. How did it all come to this? The company started in the 1890s as an elite outfitter of sporting and excursion goods. Tough guys like Hemingway, JFK, and Teddy Roosevelt used to rock out Abercrombie gear! After the brand lost its popularity in the '70s and '80s, Abercrombie did a 180 and began selling tank tops, mini-skirts, casual t-shirts, and surfer necklaces; they learned to change with the times. We all know that sex sells, but their ads are really over the top. What kind of message are they sending our teens? We took a look into their numbers and are happy to note that Abercrombie sales have been sucking again lately! Abercrombie had gross profits of $2.5 billion in 2007 and that number fell 25% to $1.88 billion last year. To make matters worse, their stock has fallen 55% over that period. We stopped wearing Abercrombie after high school and urge our readers to also stay away from their stores!

Welcome Alternative: Hey Mike Jeffries (CEO), get rid of the male models in your stores and take the company back to its original heritage. Abercrombie needs to focus on designing quality garments versus selling sex to teenagers. Maybe then straight American males 23-39 will come back to shop again. We at Overrated! are devout Ralph Lauren fans. Ralph Lauren as a brand draws on a tradition of equestrian and polo heritage, which we love. It's a classy brand that consumers of all ages can enjoy. When it comes to casual wear we also like GANT and hope to pick up some threads there this fall. GANT (American style with a European flair) was huge in the 1960s and is making a comeback. If you want to be fashionable while enjoying the outdoors, look into Barbour and Beretta this fall. That's where Ernest, Jack and Teddy would be shopping today.

Stop Hating on BP!

Did anybody know that June 12th was 'Worldwide BP Protest Day?' We missed that one entirely. In mid-June CNBC had BP's stock on deathwatch and the pundits were lashing out at the company, guns blazing. One of our friends even had the conviction to write "BP stands for bankruptcy pending" on his Facebook status (June 25th). That's when we knew the haters' nonsense had reached deafening levels. We actually bought some BP stock that very day. Then there was the lame spoof video that clocked nine million YouTube hits. As of this writing, 'Boycott BP 'has 809,043 fans on Facebook, and that count is up by 5,500 since we started drafting our thoughts on BP last night. "Boycott BP stations. BP brands include Castrol, Arco, Aral, AM/PM, Amoco," the protesters say. We think that all this hating on BP is overdone!

Here is a fact: BP screwed this one up, big time. They weren't alone out there on the deep sea and there were several cooks in the kitchen. Nobody can argue against that. Sadly, a lot of these BP haters don't know the first thing about crude oil, deep-sea drilling, off-shore rigs, or blowout-preventers. Nor do they have a pragmatic solution for the issues America faces with energy dependency. BP is at fault here, but people need to take a chill-pill and gain a little perspective.

Oil has become harder to find onshore and as such, many of the new wells are being discovered hundreds of miles deep offshore. Extracting oil at these depths makes open heart surgery look like a routine checkup. A lot of new drilling activity these days is being conducted off the shores of West Africa, South America, and Russia. These are corrupt places where the rule of law means fuck all. It's almost a miracle we haven't seen MORE oil spills like this in the last decade. Finding oil onshore or in sovereign waters is also a matter of national security; hence our decision to invade Iraq twice in as many decades. Permit us some sarcasm, but the U.S. military created a mess in Iraq that cost taxpayers nearly $750 billion. That's a burden 16 times larger than the estimated $50 billion needed to rectify the Deepwater Horizon mess.

In the case of the Deepwater Horizon spill, BP and their service providers won't be let off the hook lightly. But some of the criticism should be directed at the EPA and government for refusing foreign aid and domestic sources of expertise in the days following the spill. Even tiny Netherlands volunteered to send over ships to help with the clean-up effort; we refused their aid over some ridiculous EPA redtape. The whole thing is ridiculous. BP has coughed up $3 billion in the last two months for cleanup efforts and have been diligently compensating Gulf-area residents. They've suspended more than $10 billion in dividends scheduled to shareholders. Can they do more in the months ahead? Yes, and they'll pay for it dearly. The company is already setting aside $20 billion to pay spill damage claims and will be divesting assets to free up more cash.

Our politicians don't have the right to take hostage and bankrupt a company that is so relevant to both the UK and the US. Activists should stop demanding the same. While BP could put their North American subsidiary through bankruptcy, suspend new exploration in the Gulf, pay claims and divest assets, we don't think BP America deserves to be shut down on account of this gaffe. BP CEO Tony Hayward's Congressional hearings last month were embarrassing to watch. I wish Congress would have displayed the same amount of disgust and concern for their constituents before allowing the White House to waste a trillion dollars invading Iraq and Afghanistan. BP didn't set out to create this environmental disaster, they just goofed-up in a really bad way. We think that BP has already been humiliated enough and our politicians should quit their posturing.

Welcome Alternative: What we find most disgusting in this BP saga are the tort/liability lawyers lining up to make handsome paychecks off of the oil-spill. They've been scheming up clever ways to sue the hell out of BP and the drillers since day one. Filing claims and facilitating compensation for people whose lives has been disrupted in the Gulf is one thing. Tort laywers (ambulance chasers) however, shouldn't be allowed to enrichen themselves and their firms from this mishap. For people sitting at home hiding behind Facebook, we recommend you calm down and think this one through a bit. The reality is that too many livelihoods in the Gulf depend on the oil industry and off-shore drilling. We depend on risk-takers like BP for the Nation's economy to keep ticking. And please don't rush to boycott BP gas stands; BP only owns 5% of those pumps in the first place. Most of the 11,500 BP-affiliated pumps are owned by hard-working Americans just trying to make a living. Before jumping on some trendy bandwagon next time, think about your intentions and pause before hitting that 'join' button.

Footnote: Here is an interesting glossary on the BP oil spill, if you're so inclined to check it out.

Lock up LiLo

We fail to understand why people like Lindsay Lohan are given third, fourth, and fifth chances in life. We lost all respect for this girl as an entertainer/artist the day she pretended to be some hipster-lesbian. Now's she's doing 90 days in jail for violating probation terms stemming from a 2007 DUI arrest. And she's doing it in style! America is a nation of doers and our social conventions allow for people to pick themselves up after taking a few on the chin. Two royal fuck-ups that come to mind are Robert Downey Jr and Eliot Spitzer. Robert Downey Jr. was a decent actor who did a ton a drugs in the 90s and spent many years in & out of rehab. He managed to clean his act up and has made a total comeback as a Hollywood stud. Tinseltown is lining up a whole franchise of blockbusters and betting the house on this guy. Hats off. Eliot Spitzer used to be the Governor of New York who liked shagging this hot Italian chick down in D.C. without protection, all the while he was cracking down on prostitution rings in New York. What a despicable hypocrite. God bless his wife for standing beside him during that humiliating press conference. The woman had three of his children! We'd have thrown a blowdryer in his bubble bath. These days Eliot is back on TV as a political analyst/consultant on CNN. Shame on CNN - we fail to understand how any adult can take this daddy's boy seriously. Nepotism goes a far way in business and politics… Back to LiLo. Here we have a girl who's been given every known privilege in the free world and she still continues to act like a brat. Ever hear of noblesse oblige? Of course not, she never even went to school. There are people who risk their lives to live in this country and enjoy the American standard of life (fuck yeah!). LiLo needs to learn that our laws apply to Hollywood celebrities as well. Lock her up for a year! At her age of 24 our mother had student loans, car payments, two kids and a first-home mortgage to deal with. God Bless you Mama! Now we hear LiLo is trying to secure a $1 million tell-all interview upon her release from jail. What the hell? That's beaucoup bucks. If the media machine wanted to do something good for a change, tell her to take a hike. Paying LiLo to fake a few tears and tell the world she's sorry is like feeding dollar bills to a homeless bumb. Bumbs drink themselves silly and wake up in their piss every morning. LiLo will snort that $1 million dollars away faster than you can say sayonara. We don't even think she's worth the fist-full of fifties she would make in Vegas as a coked-up stripper. LiLo has a nice set of Cs but some say she's Long Island Irish white-trash with no talent. Readers: we can't tell who is more pathetic; couch potatoes who wasted an hour of their life watching LeBron James' propaganda stunt this week, or the idiots who tune-in to TMZ and E! to pity LiLo's legal woes and dwindling career.

Recommendation: LiLo, were you playing the race/sex card in your choice of legal representation? Are those tears real? Shame on you. Find yourself a more skillful lawyer next time - O.J. got off the hook, and he murdered people! You've become a walking liability to Hollywood producers; if you can't rebound from this one you should kiss your acting career goodbye. If you manage to get WiFi in jail and want a little help, write us. Schadenfreude on our part makes for bad karma and we would be glad to assist. Have your lawyer or manager, even your alcoholic parents reach out. You were cute in 'Herbie: Fully Loaded' and we would actually like to see you survive and thrive into your late 20s. You need to pull a Paris Hilton. No, don't release a string of sextapes with your loser boyfriends. Pull a vanishing act and reinvent yourself. Maybe going to uni' in the UK might do you some good. The Brits are proper and could shape you up in no time. Take acting classes, learn some new accents and spend more time on the West End. Work out regularly and firm up the rig. Try to get a healthy tan. And if all else fails, well, find yourself a better looking girlfriend and revisit that sextape idea. We'd be happy to help with production!

BestBuy is sinking

At work, we used to arrange death pools for celebrities. Britney Spears would always get our hopes up with her close calls to the hospital. And in spite of her wild drug binges, our bets on Amy Winehouse never seemed to pay off. But we're happy that these girls seem to have cleaned up their act, for now. If you're searching for a company to put in your death pool, look no further than BestBuy. We found Fortune's list of '100 Best Companies to Work For' and notice that they don't make the cut. Even horrid places like Men's Wearhouse (who sell crap suits) and Container Store (who sell a bunch of overpriced boxes) beat BestBuy. That's pretty bad, and we're not even surprised given the level of incompetence we see at BestBuy these days; their employees are clearly disgruntled. BestBuy could learn a thing or two from their Minnesotan brethren at Target. A question we have for their employees: what's up with the Geek Squad? Are you serious? How do you fucking live with yourselves? Not saying that Apple's Genius Bar is any better, but still... And whatever became of Circuit City? That whale turd of a company unraveled like a ball of yarn during the credit crisis because manufacturers (think Sony & Samsung) stopped sending them inventory! While BestBuy ultimately benefited from Circuit City's demise, we believe BestBuy is super overrated and their years potentially numbered. For those who trade stocks, this might be a great one to short as their business model is structurally outdated. The stock peaked in early 2006 - a full two years ahead of the credit crisis. Something fishy's going on!

Welcome Alternative: We don't like to be gravedancers but remember Tower Records? They're not around anymore, and Virgin Records is also up shit creek without a paddle. These are both businesses that failed to prepare for a paradigm shift in technology and consumption trends. Today you can buy a calculator, camera, voice recorder, MP3 player, GPS, pager and cell-phone all in one smart-phone device. People don't even buy camcorders these days. How about CDs and DVDs? Those are on their way out. What's BestBuy going to do with all of their shelf space in the decade ahead? The next generation of TVs could be holographic - then what? We think manufacturers will learn from Apple and start bringing their hit products in-house, just like Apple did with their 295 stores. All of BestBuy's parking lot space and real estate is a waste; a whole army of Gen-X, Y & Z consumers are conditioned to shopping online today. Bottom-line: BestBuy is a big box with lots of property/staff overhead, and very little value-add. Worst of all, their employees are real knuckleheads. Shareholders, caveat emptor. The miniaturization of consumer electronics will ultimately do this company in. BestBuy isn't a ticking time-bomb that's going bankrupt anytime soon, but we see a slow bleeding death in play. Achtung, Baby!

Footnote: If you think of any other overrated companies, give us a shout!

California Ain't Cool

This posting might tick off some of our West Coast readers but we want to be as forthcoming as possible: California is pound-for-pound, the most overrated state in the Union. True, California has great state schools, hot surfers, amazing sushi restaurants, the best basketball team in the world, and West Coast Choppers kick ass. Besides, they've got the Golden Gate Bridge while we're stuck with the stupid Verrazano. And let's not forget their prowess in designing iPods and whatnot. But California lies on the San Andreas fault line and is rocked by ten thousand earthquakes a year. Scary. The State is a bankrupt mess and boasts the third highest unemployment rate in America. The cost of living in California today is actually higher than places like New York and New Jersey. No secret by now, but the State is also a bastion of liberalism and home to types like Leo DiCaprio and Sean Penn. If you're a sensible individual with moderate (even slightly conservative) political views, don't risk your life by going out West. They'll eat you alive. Why Californians elected an Austrian bodybuilder to govern the state's affairs is way beyond us. Ever wonder why reality TV is so retarded? Simple: blame it on Californians like these and their piss-poor values. We are convinced there's a tombstone that says 'Culture - died 1850 - RIP' somewhere out in the Mojave Desert. Before we forget, Arnold, your beaches kinda suck big guy. Even Long Island has nicer beaches!

Welcome Alternative: While we're not big rap fans, Notorious B.I.G. once said: “If I got to choose a coast, I got to choose the East...” Damn straight: the East Coast is where this country started and where the buck stops. If you're looking for underrated peaceful places to live, start a business, or raise a family, look into Maryland, Virginia (UVa!), or North Carolina. We're also fond of Connecticut and Vermont (love New England) and hear nothing but good about Colorado. The contrarian in us says ultra-distressed Louisiana might be worth a look now too. Sure, we have dear family friends and college buddies who live and work out in California. San Francisco makes for a pleasant stay and we always enjoy spending time in San Diego (try the shrimp tacos at Poseidon, Del Mar). How about Napa Valley? Only for cheesedicks - step it up and fly your bride over to Tuscany or Bordeaux in 2010! And next time you think about updating your Facebook status to “I'm off to Cali, biatches,” tone it down a little. We really could care less.

Footnote: The best thing about California at this point may be In-N-Out Burger. We love the concept, the service, and the quality of their product. Thanks to our friends at Burger Bedlam for the intro!

Cupcakes are lame

We don't want our readers to think that we're softies for writing about pets and boobs and desserts of late, but we have to get this out: there's a cupcake mania going on and it has to fucking stop. Cupcakes are affordable and allow people a few bites of indulgence across several dozen flavors. Phenomenal. The best-known spots in NYC these days are Crumbs, Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Billy's Bakery and Sweet Revenge, to name a few. The whole thing is out of hand and puts the frozen yogurt craze (think Pinkberry) to shame. The prime example of cupcake fanaticism today is the people we see queued up outside Magnolia Bakery in the West Village; rain, cold or hot summer sun. This whole nonsense began with Sex and the City several years ago. If Carrie Bradshaw jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge would her legions of fans follow? We'd sure hope so! Don't people realize that the average cupcake (with frosting and sprinkles) has close to 250 calories? We've even seen some people polish off two, three cupcakes at a time, sans milk; kinda scary don't ya think? Speaking of X-Files, this genius blogger has eaten and reviewed cupcakes in 52 different places around the country. Holy cow Jessica, do you want diabetes that badly?!?

Welcome Alternative: Fellas: don't let us ever catch you with a cupcake in your piehole. Ladies: do us a favor and try eating cupcakes on your own time (preferably after a proper workout) or in the presence of your girlfriends. For the love of God, do not drag your significant other around town in search of the latest, greatest cupcake creation. We were invited to a nice wedding last month and the guests were served homestyle chocolate chip cookies from Levain Bakery – what a novel idea! We were thoroughly delighted to not see the cliché red velvet cupcake tower. If you're American, please consider it your duty to enjoy apple pie, fudge sundaes, banana splits, watermelon, even Jello from time to time. But let's see what we can do about cutting back on these overrated yuppie cupcakes...

Breast Implants, or Fake Tits

Breast implants (with varying and often dubious degrees of cosmetic outcome) have been around since the 1890s. Today it is said that approximately 300k-350k women get breast implants in America each year. That number comes out to 3% of our adult female population and probably includes repeat offenders upgrading or (thankfully) downgrading their units. Breast implants became mainstream when Pamela Anderson burst on the scene with Baywatch in 1992. Today Westerners travel to Cuba, Argentina, and Colombia for medical tourism and come back with massive mammaries at a fraction of the cost back home. The largest known implants in America (a whopping 38KKK) are owned by a proud 28 year-old Texan by the name of Sheyla Hershey (pictured here). She had to fly down to Brazil to legally clear the one-gallon limit. Way to be Sheyla, how did you get those back in through U.S. Customs? Readers: imagine having a gallon of milk strapped to your chest – does this girl even sleep at night? Some chiropractor in Texas will be making a nice fortune in the not too distant future.

Welcome Alternative: We at Overrated! are fans of the female figure and love a nice hourglass silhouette. Just look back to photos of Sophia Loren, Brigitte Bardot (hot) or Jayne Mansfield to get a good idea. We do understand that a full-figure boosts confidence in most women (the proverbial “I'm doing this for myself”). A nice bust-size goes a long way to get attention from the guys - but usually not the right kind of guys. If ladies in the tri-state area absolutely insist on getting work done, we suggest you go with Harry Haramis. We've seen his work recently on a friend of ours and the guy is a pro. But seriously, unless you need implants for medical or reconstructive purposes, realize that what God gave you is natural & beautiful. We'd rather you work out (P90X?) and firm up the bod vs. injecting yourself with potentially hazardous materials. There is a reason why the ancient Romans and Greeks didn't endow their statues with double-Ds. We also wish the medical profession would stop calling implants 'breast augmentations.' Those bags of saline/silicone don't deserve the euphemism; at the end of the day, they're just fake tits!

People and their Pets

It's no surprise that people love their pets; dogs are man's best friend, and cats are sleek and smart. Humans desire more than anything to be loved and usually find that affection and dedication in their pets. We can't count how many single, middle-aged women we see walking little dogs around NYC on a daily basis. Some even have 'conversations' with their dogs, as if their pet understood fluent English. People like this should probably find themselves a good shrink on 5^th Avenue. We once saw a girl bring a hedgehog to a Christmas party as a gimmick. Honestly? Americans spent over $40 billion on their pets last year; that comes out to nearly $730 per household. For an economy that produced a personal savings rate below 2.5% last decade and currently sports an effective unemployment rate above 15%, we question whether Americans should be spending so much money on their pets. Forget dog food, kitty litter and vaccinations - people are delinquent on their mortgages, tardy on their credit card payments, and over 15% of Americans don't even have health insurance! It's really not a preferable situation...

Welcome Alternative: People these days literally pamper the hell out of their pets. While we exaggerate slightly, some people barely treat strangers with the same dignity that they show their pooches. We love horses, appreciate dogs of most pedigrees (except long hair chihuahuas), and think that whale hunting is atrocious. If Americans were to exercise the same degree of kindness and consideration to the homeless, sick, and uneducated, we'd probably be incrementally better off as a society. About 13% better off per year actually; Americans donated $300 billion to charity in 2009 vs. spending $40 billion on their pets. We handily lead the world in charitable donations, but can't we be less obnoxious with our pets? Are the dog sneakers and Burberry raincoats really necessary? How about the doggie baths, play dates and pet psychiatrists? Will those really enrichen your pet's life? We think not, and implore our readers to strike a better balance between caring for their pets and finding selfless ways to serve their fellow man!

Mixed Martial Arts

Something that we find increasingly mind-numbing to watch on TV these days is mixed-martial arts. Professional televised 'MMA' more or less began in Japan during the late 80s. The Gracie family from Brazil eventually popularized the sport in the West with their Vale Tudo ('anything goes') combat style. Today in America the sport rivals wrestling ratings and by some estimates has surpassed boxing in total viewership. Maybe it's our need for instant gratification, the desire to see an instant knockout, and a lost appreciation for boxing's 12-round bout (a sport that is as corrupt as they come). We remember downloading UFC videos in high school before the advent of YouTube. Royce Gracie had class and style. Ken Shamrock was also a mean fighter to watch back in the day. But how did it go from Gracie and Shamrock to today, where you've got a bunch of juiced-up Steve-Os slugging each other into oblivion? The photo here really does a good job in summing-up how we feel about MMA: retarded. Last we checked there were 21 different MMA leagues in the USA, we can't even keep all the fighters' names straight anymore. Promoters have really diluted the sport that was MMA. Today's MMA has lost it's cachet value and is, in our humble opinion, overrated!

Welcome Alternative: The ancient Romans had their gladiators and coliseums, we have our Chuck Lidells and Octagons. Sadly MMA, much like NASCAR or reality TV is a culture phenomenon that is here to stay for some time. Ultimately (and we think it may be starting) consumers will sense format fatigue and gradually begin to lose interest in these tattooed bad boys. The sponsors also play a key role in deciding the longevity of this sport. Shouldn't Toyota be worrying about the safety of their hybrid cars? Are there really any business synergies between UFC and Golden Corral? Furthermore, why pay $60 for an evening of UFC when you can watch some really freaky porn online for free? We live in NYC and have seen enough bar brawls (Sutton Place!) to keep us entertained for a lifetime. But let's keep MMA tucked away on cable TV and away from our young ones.

Liz Claiborne Curve

We're going to post a few thoughts on a men's fragrance that has perplexed us for some time: Liz Claiborne's Curve cologne. While we don't think our readers need to shell out $60 or $80 to smell nice on a Saturday night, we do believe in showing a little class. Our favorite colognes for men are Chanel's Egoiste and Armani's Code. Adam Smith once wrote on the division of labor, and as such, we believe it best we let the Europeans figure out our perfumes and colognes. One fragrance that seems to remain an American mainstay is this Curve by Liz Claiborne. You'll surely recognize the bottle and packaging; you've probably seen it on your college roommate's nightstand or on TJ Maxx' tattered clearance shelves. Maybe you've smelled a Curve ad in your latest Maxim issue. We don't understand what compels American men ages 18-39 to spend up to $50 a bottle on such a sham. First of all Liz Claiborne was a genius merchandiser, but a garbage designer. When's the last time anyone you know went shopping with the intent purpose of buying a Liz Claiborne suit, blazer, or designer pair of jeans? Never, that's when. So why buy her damn cologne? Curve smells like a cheap air freshener and comes in the most uncompelling bottle & packaging set, ever. Men of America, show a little taste and self-respect!

Welcome Alternative: Ladies, if your boyfriend has Curve in his cabinet or among his collection of colognes, stop sleeping with him immediately. Guys, you're honestly better off with a $5 bottle of Aqua Velva or $9 bottle of Old Spice aftershave. But if you happen to actually care and want to show a little taste, look into Chanel, Hugo Boss, or Armani for a proper cologne. When it comes to fragrances, always remember, the French do it best.

Wealth Advisors

We’d like to write about a field in the services industry that we find massively overrated, and potentially hazardous to our readers. The United States is highly dependent on services and services today comprise around 80% (GDP) of our economy. Education is a service, as is medicine and entertainment etc. But we would like to warn you today of the vermin who call themselves ‘wealth advisors.’ If you, your Baby-boomer parents, or anybody in your family entrusts their wealth and time to these people, just hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete and walk the other way. Wealth advisors are as toxic as asbestos and have IQs lower than Wal-Mart greeters. They live off of 'churning and burning' their clients and their sole mission is this: commission. We've known wealth advisors at Merrill Lynch, Goldman Sachs, UBS etc, and frankly they're all the same. Most went to second or third-tier colleges and were semi-likeable athletes or frat boys. None of them were clever enough to pursue a real career in investment banking, law, or medicine. It's therefore ironic that intelligent people go back to the class clowns to invest their hard-earned dollars. In essence, wealth advisors live to garner assets and gain points from their firms by flogging fat margin products (fixed income, structured notes, derivatives etc). “You wanna buy 100 shares of Apple Inc? Keep moving asshole – we want you in this China commodity index that our middle market quants are pricing up for you.” Wealth advisors want you in the juicy stuff, which ultimately screws you because it's some fraudulent illiquid garbage that only enriches them from the fee structure and leaves you hanging high & dry (recall Auction Rate Securities back in 2008). I can't tell you how many wealth advisors in Midtown NYC work 20 hours a week, collect $1.0m a year (risk-free) off their commissions, and spend their entire weekend socializing in the Hamptons. It’s really disgusting.

Welcome Alternative: Retail investors (i.e. Mom & Pops) always end up buying at the top and selling at the bottom. Wealth advisory firms are diligently there to take advantage of you at both market extremes. More times that not, you should be doing opposite of what their ads on TV are saying; just tell them to stuff it. Look at putting your money into four or five ETFs that you like through Schwab or Fidelity. Invest for income/yield. Learn a little bit about valuation, and please, turn off CNBC and ignore that dingbat Jim Cramer. If Jim Cramer were worth his salt he’d be managing a multi-billion dollar hedge fund today, but he isn’t, nor will he ever. We prefer you watch Bloomberg TV (Margaret Brennan is great) and read the Financial Times a few times a week. Please contribute as much as possible to your 401k (lower your tax burden) and look at setting up a DRIP plan or Roth IRA for retirement. These few steps alone will stear you clear from these wealth advisors and Wall Street charlatans.

Facebook Status Updates

Facebook. Can't get laid without it these days. Try asking a girl for her number at a bar next time. Huh? She'll ask you to Facebook her instead. Doesn't matter if you're in Brooklyn, Buenos Aires or Berlin... you need a Facebook account. By friending a girl on Facebook she gets to see where you hang out and who you party with. It tells her whether you're a party boy who does coke in the Boom Boom Room and races Cigarette Boats up on Cape Cod or if you’re a hermit freak with loser balding friends. Same goes for the ladies; Facebook is all about vanity. Girls always take pics with their uglier friends so that they shine in their profile pics. We actually think girls go out in groups these days and spend over half their time striking poses just to show off their lame party pics on Facebook. Of course we’re suckers in that mix. We did the math and estimate we’ve spent (wasted!) 500-600 hours on Facebook since creating our profile in late 2009. What idiots! What really grinds our gears though (and what we really find overrated in this instance), are the stupid status updates. Do we really care to see what you're eating for brunch at Pastis? Nope. Do we give a shit that you're in Chicago O’Hare waiting for a connection to visit your lame relatives in Indiana? Hell no. Do we care that you're in a relationship with some loser now? If it means we can't booty call anymore, yes. Otherwise, fuck off! One post we saw today: “Morning run on the bike trail, lunch on the terrace, reading in the hammock, deep sea fishing, BBQ and then fireworks... Happy 4th!” – Who gives a shit? Where did you find the time to post that if you were so busy? The only value-add from status updates is the occasional YouTube video you hadn’t seen yet or the periodic birthday wish/engagement announcement etc. Those are always welcome. Anything else, keep it to yourself already.

Welcome Alternative: Please use discretion here. Realize that most people have 200-500 Facebook friends (sociologists say people are only capable of maintaining 150 real friendships). That can create a bottleneck every time you care to see your REAL friends' status updates. Limit yourself to one or two status updates a week: remember, quality is what counts, not quantity. In doing so, realize that you might actually get people to like you more. Sidenote: if you are a parent with children above the legal voting age, it is NOT cool to be on Facebook. Stop putting up shit on your kids' friends' Facebook walls – don’t even friend them in the first place. Get a life; delete your Facebook account and join a country club. Thank you.

Ronaldo & Messi

As the World Cup in South Africa comes to an end next week we thought it might be worth commenting on a few of the luminaries. Of note were two players who stood out as over-marketed, very hyped-up, and ultimately useless during this tournament. These two strikers scored a grand total of only one goal across nine matches for their national teams. We speak of Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo and Argentina's Lionel Messi of course. We actually happen to like Messi because he's humble, hard working and has some qualities that remind us of the great French striker Zinedine Zidane. Besides, he’s only 5’6’’ so we'll cut him a little slack. Ronaldo on the other hand should move to Mexico and pursue a career in telenovela acting. The guy took too many easy dives, acted like a cry-baby in front of referees, and we find his consistent display of narcissism shameless. During World Cup play he was selfish with the ball, hardly created any interesting plays, and his only goal came in the 86th minute against a heavily battered North Korean side (i.e. the lowest-ranked team on the planet). Look at all those marketing dollars (Euros, rather) and ad-time/space gone to waste. Frankly the vuvuzela created more of a buzz during the World Cup than these two so-called superstars. This is a theme that we will revisit often, but the reality is many pro athletes (globally) remain massively overpaid. Don't sports teams have CFOs or accountants? Don’t endorsers run cost-benefit analyses? Are they really worth all that money? We think not.

Welcome Alternative: If you are looking for inspiration from your soccer players look to the German squad. We find in Miroslav Klose a formidable striker, who may this year beat Pelé and other greats to break the World Cup goal-scoring record. Nike, Adidas and other large sports endorsers should a) verbally lash out at Messi and Ronaldo for their dismal showing and b) have performance covenants or clawbacks built into endorsement contracts going forward; shouldn’t compensation always be linked to performance? Soccer clubs in Europe (many are heavily indebted and barely break-even) should start negotiating lower contracts and source more talent from Africa and Asia, even the United States! Think of this: back in the late 1950s it was unheard of when Joe DiMaggio made $100k a year with the Yankees. You can talk about inflation all you want, but mark my words: the money being thrown at athletes today is simply unsustainable.