Martin the GEICO Gecko

We're getting a little fed up and bored with GEICO lately. Not because they provide bad service or because they price gouge their policy holders. They only charged us $320 a year to insure our 2003 Land Rover with 108k miles. What a deal! Warren Buffet is a genius and we think GEICO is a very well run company. And our policy application only took 10 minutes to fill out online! What we can't stand, and what we feel has become overrated are the ads with that stupid little gecko (named Martin). Seriously, they're not funny anymore. We appreciate the pseudo pun: geico, gecko etc. But frankly we don't care whether this gecko is English, or Australian, or freakin' Bahamian or Bermudian. Since Martin is a day gecko, and given his English accent, our research indicates it's most plausible that he's either from Madagascar or Seychelles (former UK colonies with day geckos). Regardless, he's been on TV since the Screen Actor Guild strike in 1999 and we want him off the airwaves. Geckos, in captivity, are only supposed to live for seven to nine years! We feel Martin's time is overdue.

Welcome Alternative: We don't have anything against geckos. We used to live in Singapore and geckos actually come in handy because they eat mosquitos and hunt down flies around the house. They also have a cool Spiderman-like quality that enables them to scale up walls and windows with ease. But they're kinda stupid and hide between door hinges (ouch), make really disturbing chirping noises, and they're not stealth enough to escape cats. But at the end of the day Martin is just an animated computer graphic. We would implore IPG (ad agency that invented the gecko) to retire Martin and call up some new talent to the GEICO bench. Just a thought; if Derek Jeter can promote those retarded Ford cars, why couldn't LeBron James do car insurance? Remember the Chrysler LeBaron? Ah-ha... There's a marketable enough idea.

People and their Pets

It's no surprise that people love their pets; dogs are man's best friend, and cats are sleek and smart. Humans desire more than anything to be loved and usually find that affection and dedication in their pets. We can't count how many single, middle-aged women we see walking little dogs around NYC on a daily basis. Some even have 'conversations' with their dogs, as if their pet understood fluent English. People like this should probably find themselves a good shrink on 5^th Avenue. We once saw a girl bring a hedgehog to a Christmas party as a gimmick. Honestly? Americans spent over $40 billion on their pets last year; that comes out to nearly $730 per household. For an economy that produced a personal savings rate below 2.5% last decade and currently sports an effective unemployment rate above 15%, we question whether Americans should be spending so much money on their pets. Forget dog food, kitty litter and vaccinations - people are delinquent on their mortgages, tardy on their credit card payments, and over 15% of Americans don't even have health insurance! It's really not a preferable situation...

Welcome Alternative: People these days literally pamper the hell out of their pets. While we exaggerate slightly, some people barely treat strangers with the same dignity that they show their pooches. We love horses, appreciate dogs of most pedigrees (except long hair chihuahuas), and think that whale hunting is atrocious. If Americans were to exercise the same degree of kindness and consideration to the homeless, sick, and uneducated, we'd probably be incrementally better off as a society. About 13% better off per year actually; Americans donated $300 billion to charity in 2009 vs. spending $40 billion on their pets. We handily lead the world in charitable donations, but can't we be less obnoxious with our pets? Are the dog sneakers and Burberry raincoats really necessary? How about the doggie baths, play dates and pet psychiatrists? Will those really enrichen your pet's life? We think not, and implore our readers to strike a better balance between caring for their pets and finding selfless ways to serve their fellow man!