Martin the GEICO Gecko

We're getting a little fed up and bored with GEICO lately. Not because they provide bad service or because they price gouge their policy holders. They only charged us $320 a year to insure our 2003 Land Rover with 108k miles. What a deal! Warren Buffet is a genius and we think GEICO is a very well run company. And our policy application only took 10 minutes to fill out online! What we can't stand, and what we feel has become overrated are the ads with that stupid little gecko (named Martin). Seriously, they're not funny anymore. We appreciate the pseudo pun: geico, gecko etc. But frankly we don't care whether this gecko is English, or Australian, or freakin' Bahamian or Bermudian. Since Martin is a day gecko, and given his English accent, our research indicates it's most plausible that he's either from Madagascar or Seychelles (former UK colonies with day geckos). Regardless, he's been on TV since the Screen Actor Guild strike in 1999 and we want him off the airwaves. Geckos, in captivity, are only supposed to live for seven to nine years! We feel Martin's time is overdue.

Welcome Alternative: We don't have anything against geckos. We used to live in Singapore and geckos actually come in handy because they eat mosquitos and hunt down flies around the house. They also have a cool Spiderman-like quality that enables them to scale up walls and windows with ease. But they're kinda stupid and hide between door hinges (ouch), make really disturbing chirping noises, and they're not stealth enough to escape cats. But at the end of the day Martin is just an animated computer graphic. We would implore IPG (ad agency that invented the gecko) to retire Martin and call up some new talent to the GEICO bench. Just a thought; if Derek Jeter can promote those retarded Ford cars, why couldn't LeBron James do car insurance? Remember the Chrysler LeBaron? Ah-ha... There's a marketable enough idea.

Rihanna is Creepy

Some call her Ri, many know her as RiRi, but to the rest of us she's the girl who did that 'Umbrella' song. We spotted RiRi at Tillman's in NYC a few years ago and thought she was kinda cute. Wikipedia lists the following as her occupations: 'singer, model, songwriter, executive producer, dancer, video director, philanthropist, cultural ambassador, and author.' Yeah, ok, whatever. Where to start with this one... We like your voice. You're fairly pretty. But your music videos are a headache to watch and your dancing is garbage. And that forehead is so large it probably deserves mention in the Guinness Book of World Records. We took time to watch videos of her concerts; pretty uninspiring. She never seems to give that 110% effort as an entertainer. What's up with her tagline 'Good Girl Gone Bad?' How original is that? Readers: want to see the worst dance sequence, ever? Here it is, fast forward to 1:40 min. Wait, go back to 1:19. Those are ballerina legs, not Rihanna legs! Seriously, who choreographed this shit? For a girl from the islands (Barbados) Rihanna lacks a lot of panache and soul. Look into her eyes next time you watch one of her videos: we're convinced she's the devil! Rihanna's Umbrella has to be THE worst music video ever made by a Grammy-winning artist. That's right, worse than ALL of Alanis Morissette's videos combined. No, we don't think that RiRi will be sticking around forever. This is one big paper chase to her, and she's far from an artist. That whole nonsense with Chris Brown was also a little disconcerting. Let's hope she's not another Whitney Houston in the making!

Welcome Alternatives: We like British pop and R&B singer Leona Lewis, a lot. We'll suck it up and admit this; Bleeding Love is a great tune. Leona is pretty cute and we dig her Brit accent. Another R&B artist we have a thing for these days is Ciara. Have you all seen the video to her song Ride? God bless America, and God bless this girl. Ciara should be giving RiRi dancing lessons 24/7. When it comes to female pop artists, we must say that GaGa takes the cake. While she's no Cindy Crawford and can't dance much better than Rihanna, GaGa is smart, quirky, has a great voice, and almost ALL of her songs are party starters. People joke that she has a penis, but there isn't a guy out there who wouldn't ditch their girlfriend to get with GaGa for a night. Bad Romance has 243 million hits on YouTube and her new hit, Alejandro, is pretty sweet. We think she's dethroned Madonna with this last song. Keep up the great work Stefani, not bad for an NYU girl!

Footnote: You have to see these Rihanna jokes, they're almost as good as Chuck Norris jokes.